This is 50.

I know it's just a number but WOW! Here we are. No filter on that pic. That's all me - lifelines and all! I just couldn't let a big one like this go by without sharing here on Cheval Glass. I've been gone from here for awhile (yeah,  I gotta work on that) but here are some of my reflections at ...whew...I've never typed it out...at 50! Here we go.

So much of my 20's through 40's was exploration - Nine moves and five different cities. My 20's felt like a patch-work quilt. Todd and I found "our people" all along the way and I'm so thankful for those friendships through church small groups, our work lives, and community connections. Many of those people are still a part of our lives. You know who you are. I love you.

People would say to us that we "waited" to start our family in our 30's, but Todd and I became a family THE DAY we were married. We grew up together in our 20's. I was diagnosed with panic anxiety disorder in my late 20's & got professional help. I changed a lot of my lifestyle and my eating habits. It was a challenging time, but I am so glad I hit it head on. We traveled quite a bit internationally on missions trips and personally in our 20's. I spent a lot of time songwriting and producing/playing in the studio. Most importantly, I had a massive crisis of faith most of my 20's which means I was questioning EVERYTHING about God, faith and the church and worked through quite a bit of that in my 20's.

We thought we would live in Atlanta forever when we moved there in 1997, but God had different plans. We sold our cars, our beautiful new home and most everything in it and moved with our 15 month old daughter to the Upper West Side of NYC in 2005 to help our friends, Carmen and Aaron Coe plant The Gallery Church. We used to laugh that we lived a pretty stationary life for 8 years and then all the sudden we started having children and started moving all the time. God truly has a sense of humor.

We had a miscarriage in NYC between our children and that was a dark time for me as it is for any woman who goes through it. I know there is another Cullen I will meet in Heaven one day. NYC took us to HHI in 2007 with now our almost 3 year old and 6 week old son to plant Hilton Head Island Community Church.  Now, 16 years later, I would never have dreamed that this is where I would be at 50. 

I never imagined that sorrow and joy could co-exist. I look back on my life at this point and realize how much they have both been there all along the journey... hand in hand. Leaving our extended family, our home church, and my best friend in ATL to meeting new friends in NYC that have become life-long friends as well. Leaving NYC to move to HHI (Yeah I didn't want to move here!) to "returning" there now with our college girl now in the city. Losing my dad to cancer at 67, but now seeing my mom thrive in her 2nd act. Watching our kids grow up too fast and yet so happy about who they have become.

I never thought I would enjoy living on HHI like I do. I thought this was the place that musicians, artists, & an artistic community go to die! I was SO wrong. My first friends were great musicians... Andy Pitts, Dean St. Hillaire, Randy Looman, & Dave Masteller...still are great musicians and good friends. Since then, I have gotten involved in our arts community with ISCA, HHDT,  The Junior Jazz Foundation, and the community theater world when I can. I'm so thankful for my "artsy" friends and our artistic community. Now, I have a dancer daughter and son who is an aspiring jazz drummer because of the incredible artistic community here. Words do not adequately express my thankfulness for this community and their mentors in their lives.

I never thought it would be so hard to be married and raise kids. I shared a few weeks ago in our services on Mother's Day about spiritual warfare and how it is real and how if I didn't know it existed, Todd and I might not still be married. I meant that. We just celebrated 28 years by God's grace. Life is hard, being pastors is 24/7, and raising kids is not for the faint of heart as many of you know. I am so thankful today for Todd, our church family, and Sydney and Sean.

I have never breathed "thank you, God" as much as I do now. Every day is a gift. Every moment with my kids and with Todd. I slow down a lot more now. I say " I'll do that tomorrow" a lot more. I pray more throughout the day, constantly praying for my friends, our community, our world, and whatever God brings to my mind. I wake up and begin thanking God for rest, the home I live in, and the people He has blessed me with...family, friends, and our faith community. I am so thankful for the friends that God has blessed with me to do life with here on the Island. I'm thankful for the extended friends through social media I have made and the ability to stay connected to my extended family.

So I celebrate life itself today. All the parts of the journey and yea, this feels weird to think I'm 50, but I am so thankful. I will keep saying that to God in my breath prayers and whatever the next 50 hold, I will always say God is good. He is faithful when I am not. He always provides even when I don't manage what we have well. He knows what's best even when I get frustrated with circumstances. His mercy and grace are there each morning for me to receive. He's got it and He always has had it and He always will.

"For the Lord is always good. He is always loving and kind, and his faithfulness goes on and on to each succeeding generation." - Psalm 100:5

Cynthia clean

Every high school senior parent will tell you that the mood swings of joy, sadness, celebration, excitement and then back to sadness is a strange time in your life. One moment you are so sad about the last "first" experiences throughout the year and then the next moment you are so looking forward to simply writing a check for the entire year for their college meal plan so someone else can figure it out.

As a "neat and picked up" person my entire life, my counselor used to tell me "Cynthia, there is 'Cynthia' clean and then there is 'Sydney' clean."  My creative, ADD, free-flowing artist daughter and her room have always been a hot button for me. My insecurity was so bad when she was young. I would think "how could I have a daughter THIS messy." I felt like a failure. "How does she NOT see the trash on her floor and the trash can right next to it?" Then middle school and high school came, I would think "Her college roommates are gonna kick her out of the dorm because I have failed as a mom!" Then there were the bobby pins...EVERYWHERE! Those are not fun to step on in the middle of night. Yeah, I am laughing at myself even as I write this.

Syd has been gone from our home for long periods of time doing summer dance intensives throughout the last five years. I am so thankful she did these for so many reasons but for me, I know what it feels like in a "small" way to not see signs of life in her room. When she would first leave, I would walk by her room and go "Ahhh - 'Cynthia' clean." Then after awhile I would be wishing for "Sydney clean."  Isn't it amazing how there are things we think are gonna be so important in parenting and then they end up being the things that maybe were not quite as important as we thought?

Parenting is truly all about picking your battles. I saw early on in my parenting that I was alienating my daughter because of "my" issue and I am so thankful I got help. However, God chose me to be her mom. Giving me a creative daughter with ADD, God knew I could give her the supportive tools to help her manage her room and organize her life because of how he uniquely He made me. But any strength taken to an extreme can be a weakness and wow, that is truly exposed in parenting.

I am thinking a lot these days about what I got right and what I didn't with Sydney. Not from a place of regret, but more from a place of gratitude. Our relationship is by no means perfect but we genuinely have come together as two very different people and have a good relationship based on both our differences and our similarities. We see the world very differently. We process completely differently. I wish I was like her in so many ways and she has said, she wishes she was like me in some ways (...but not on the clean thing.) I have learned so much from her especially watching her process the world around her and I am so thankful for what she has taught me. I am not her best friend and I don't ever want to be. She only gets one mom and that's me and I am so grateful.

"Sydney clean" means she lives here. "Cynthia clean" means she doesn't. Yeah, I'll take "Sydney clean" as much as I can.

How was your sabbatical?

This question...meh. It's a lot of pressure. I went into these "38 days" with the intent to refocus, refresh, and reflect. Yes those things happened. But even when you take a sabbatical, you never take one from life itself. There were friends who lost loved ones to cancer and covid. All the highly-anticipated college dance auditions trips & travel were canceled due to another variant. Disappointment, loss, unmet expectations....they follow you on a sabbatical.

I read that if you want to have a different 2022 then you have to decide what you are going to change about you for that to happen.Truth. My counselor challenged me to journal about what I feel God wants me to change about my perspective in every area of my life and to also take more seriously soul care than ever before as a lifestyle...not just a "when I have time" thing. All good things and yes, God absolutely did some fresh work in all areas of my life. I am so thankful for the time. It has truly been a gift.

So here I am. Heading back to normal life because make no mistake...a sabbatical is NOT reality! What do I do now?

I am a little nervous about being unhealthy again. I was exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. As so many of my brothers and sisters in ministry over the last two years have expressed...ministry got REALLY hard with Covid. Everything got hard in life period. And it's ok. I'm not 25 anymore! There's that too!

So here I am. First week back. I didn't know how I would feel and didn't have an expectation. So, this "non-feeling" place is legit. And back to my first point. What am I going to change about ME if I want healthy soul care and if I truly desire God's perspective on everything?

1. Fill my days with what makes me feel alive. I have allowed my days to be filled with too much "I gotta get this done." Yeah, we all have that stuff that does not make us feel alive. HOWEVER, I can be more selective of how much I ALLOW of that over 24 hours.

2. Accept that I need more contemplative time every day for healthy soul care. There's a saying, "Fake it till you make it." Yeah, not when it comes to soul care.  Life is busy and this one is not gonna be easy. BUT, if I want good health for my soul, I will make the time.

3. I'm weary of Covid and I need to grieve and that's ok. I have spent some time truly grieving the loss of friends, family, the loss of missed opportunities and experiences for my kids, especially Sydney - the loss of community and even the loss of certain relationships because of their stance either way on a vaccine or a mask. My counselor said we have to grieve loss. You can't bury it and think you will just get over it one day. Nope. It was eating me from the inside out.  I have accepted God's grace and will continue to grieve along the way and that is ok. 

4. I'm still kicking. Celebrate that every day.Todd and I will celebrate our 30th Valentines Day together this year. I love Valentines Day!  Always have. We are still here and still together. We are still in ministry. We planted HHICC and we are still here. My kids are teenagers - one about to be an adult - they are still here and that's something everyone cannot say right now about their teens. I'm still getting up everyday and being faithful. Doing what God has called Todd and I to do together on HHI to lead the church He called us to plant in 2007. We are still raising these teens in a crazy world. I'm coming alongside my mom who is a widow now 5 years this March. She's still here. We are here for her. We are all here and that is something to celebrate every day. 

So no HUGE revelations...sorry to disappoint. It was a rest, reset, and reflect time...truly what I prayed it would it be. 

There are not enough words BIG enough to thank our Elders, our staff team, their families, and all the volunteers for this gift of time. They battled COVID among their own families, moving to new homes, and the loss of some of their own extended family members this month. Todd and I are so thankful and so blessed for their leadership and look forward to a "new normal" of these amazing leaders carrying on in many ways with what they have already proven they can do as leaders and as pastors at HHICC.

So I'm back! You can email and text me without an auto response! I am looking forward to leading worship on Sunday and being "at home." 

A prayer..."God, grant each of us the grace to have our perspectives 'tweaked' by you so that we can fully experience who you are and the life you have for us here and now. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Living in between

This week marked one month of being in quarantine for COVID-19 for our family. I asked myself at least 5 times today, "What is today?" and I'm sure I'm not alone in that confusion. I find myself living in between. There is the joy of having time to enjoy my family, my home, my Island. We are so blessed to live on Hilton Head Island. And then at the same time knowing all the suffering of those dying from this virus, those who have lost loved ones with no funeral allowed, those who are unemployed, and all those that are working so hard in our health care system to fight this thing.

I'm asking myself a lot these days, "How do I live in between?"

I love having this time with my almost 16 year old daughter to talk, laugh, look at my old yearbooks (she wanted to!), and eat ice cream. But my heart just breaks about her 5 week summer dance intensive being canceled because she worked so hard for it. I love it and I hate it.

I love "overhearing" my 13 year old son on ZOOM with his friends in what I call the "ZOOM After Party" when the online class is over. Precious moments I treasure but he lost his soccer season for both of the teams he plays for each year. I miss the soccer field so much and so does he.

I miss seeing our church family. It's so hard to sing and lead worship to a camera. I want to feel worship with our community together so desperately. 

And then "Seriously, Cynthia? People are dying, people are homeless, people are going without food - stop whining! Be thankful you do have the ability to sing and lead worship because of technology!" Then the guilt sets in and I hate it.

My heart is breaking for my friends in NYC that their street has refrigerated box trucks that serve as temporary morgues. I just weep. I sat on my back porch one Friday morning and just cried for a few hours. I know I'm not alone in that as well.  But then I look at my precious family and I'm so thankful for the laughter, the new "inside" jokes, the bickering between the kids (at times!), the family meals, the beautiful bike rides, the long walks and then I'm filled with gratitude and thankfulness...I'm so happy.

Now we are faced with when to start leaving our homes. Just because we can, should we? Am I being held back by fear or caution?

This is living in between.

I find myself in the book of Ecclesiastes which was written by Solomon toward the end of his life. It was said that he was the wisest man who ever lived so being that he wrote this at that point in his life, he had seen and experienced quite a bit. The first few lines really grab you..."Everything is meaningless." Yeah, I'm sure we all feel that right now in many ways! Interesting he would say that at the end of his life, right? But it is chapter 3 that I truly find great words for living in between.

A Time for Everything

   "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,, a time for war and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

This is a time to live in between and I am starting to lean into that. I am going to have days that I cry a lot and days that are super joyful. I'm going to have days when I feel very productive cleaning out closets and organizing and then others, I just want to watch movies. It's ok. There is a time for everything.

Shared experience is so important and none of us are alone in living in between. Please share your comments below. I'd love to hear how you are facing the in between.

Hope

 

 My word for 2016 was HOPE. Circumstances and age itself can sometimes rob us of HOPE. To be honest, this was the first time in my life that I can remember that I really struggled to sense that there was hope in some specific areas of my life. I truly claimed these verses:

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Joel 2:25-26  - I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. 26 “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you..."

As I reflect today on the past 12 months, I prayed for that word to be realized in some very specific areas of my life...and it did happen. I think I learned that I have to come to the end of myself so that I can truly see God work in areas I know I have exhausted what I CAN DO. That's where He wants to me camp out and pitch my tent. Some were very personal experiences for me,  but let me share a few "hope-filled" highlights from 2016 (in no particular order.)

• Our family was able to take a "once-in-a-lifetime" vacation together to beautiful Turks and Caicos last May. We had an amazing and memory-filled experience that I will treasure forever. My Dad felt well the entire week and he and mom were finally able to go to the Caribbean together. Todd and I enjoyed an anniversary breakfast together overlooking the ocean and enjoyed some meaningful time with my sister Christie and her family as well.

• My father is still courageously fighting cancer and survived a very dangerous surgery this month and is home at last. I am hopeful of his recovery and more days ahead with him.

• We did a Facebook LIVE service in the midst of our Hurricane Matthew evacuation to ATL in October with Andrea and Geno Miller (who evacuated there as well) None of us new what we would be coming home to and doing that service from my sister's living room (Thank you Christie and Bruce!) was the most worshipful service I did this year. I can truly say I worshiped from a place of totally reliance that God was in control because none of us were at all! Click here to check it out.

• Early pictures Post-Hurricane Matthew looked as if our home was completely underwater. We were blessed to return to no significant damage to our home at all. Just trees and debris everywhere. Survivor guilt is a real thing as we walk this journey with so many friends who experienced significant damage and still continue to recover. We are still hopeful that our beautiful Island will return to life before Matthew. We are #HHISTRONG.

• I took on a new role at HHICC as Ministry Operations Director. My task this year was to streamline our efforts as a staff-team in the areas of finances, ministry, and member development and help remove as much from Todd's plate as possible so that he could truly PASTOR and LEAD our staff team and congregation. The "hope"moment is that Todd and are actually STILL married (LOL!) Seriously, I am so proud of Todd, our staff team, Elders, and Stewarship Team for their support and for their patience with me in this new role and as we continue to learn together how we can all be our best in our unique roles at HHICC.

• Sydney saw her dream realized of having a lead role as Fritz in The Nutcracker. She was "hopeful" for this experience and danced it beautifully this year. It was such a great two weeks having family come to HHI to support her.  I loved being a part as a volunteer and being in "her world." She is embarking on this form of art being her life's devotion and God continues to open doors for her to use it for Him. Click here to see what she choreographed and danced in this year's "An Evening in December." She got braces this year and is not "a little girl" anymore - Dad is in denial. I am really enjoying our "talks" and observing her choices and choosing her friendships. I love this! (I know, enjoy it while I can!)

• Sean grew up this year. Too quick for my taste. His love for math and science has developed into a passion. He asked his teacher for more math homework! (yeah, weird kid...) He got a drum set this year and started learning to play. I'm loving it! He continues to thrive with Tormenta Soccer and we have grown to love our team and parents this year. We prayed that God would put us together with great parents and kids and HE DID. We love our #07BlackHHI boys! I love verbally hearing how Sean processes life. He has this cute way of using big words in the wrong context? It's hilarious. Todd and Sean love flying their drones, wrestling in the living room (help me!) and playing golf together. I love seeing "my men" spend time together and have fun.

• Todd and I are learning and growing a lot right now as we embark on almost 22 years of marriage. We both have learned a lot from the past few years about ourselves and what lies ahead for us. It is so different with the kids growing up and already being so independent (which I highly recommend raising kids to be that way!) Date nights and daily meaningful conversations are not luxuries...they are a lifelines to us staying connected and a being a vital part of each other's lives. You take vows for a reason, right? The good, the bad, the scarry, the frustrating, the win, the loss...it's the TOTALITY of it all that makes a marriage. We are learning that and expecting God to continue to shape us for His purpose as we grow together in Him.

• We purchased our HHICC campus...Finally! This was a big one. We were hopeful that this contract would close before the end of 2016, saving us thousands of dollars and on the last business day of 2016, Todd signed the papers and we purchased our 2 buildings and 3 acres. Todd had the best night of sleep all year last night! We are so blessed to have such an amazing group of leaders at HHICC who led this effort to GET IT DONE.

As I wrap this blog up on New Year's Eve 2016, I can't help but think this: I'm here. My kids and my husband are here with me. Thank you, God. There was so much uncertainty this year in our personal lives, in our country, our world, and in our community. But for me, hope was realized in so many beautiful ways throughout this year and I am indeed, so thankful.

My New Year's Eve Prayer..."Father God, our Provider and Sustainer, thank you for your faithfulness in 2016 and that it never ends.  Even when I lose heart...even when I feel that I am without hope...you are constant. Thank you that you prove over and over again that YOU are Faithful and that You will provide HOPE in YOUR time, in YOUR way...You are God and I am not. I need to be reminded of that way too often, Father! In the Name of Your Son, Jesus, AMEN."

My report card

I began to pick up on signals with Sydney toward the end of 3rd grade that made me nervous about how she viewed the learning experience. Our 1st year of homeschool - her 4th grade year - was a lot of me "untangling" what was a mess in her head about learning. She was honest with me about how she would "hide' with "I don't know" when asked a question in class so she didn't have to figure it out. Everything was exposed in our one-on-one environment. I realized how much she had missed with vowels and consonants in K-1st (due to ENT issues later solved). I could tell how much she struggled in our daily reading time and her vocabulary and listening skills were below level. I chose a curriculum for 5th grade for Language Arts that targeted working on these skills. It paid off.

   This year, she has turned a huge corner in her listening skills and ability to process information. She gained confidence in her ability to assess information and communicate it verbally. Her math scores were high and her overall confidence this year has grown by leaps and bounds!  She has had more time to devote to art, ballet and music and I strongly believe allowing her time to explore in the areas that come easier to her has helped her gain confidence in EVERY area of her life. 

Sydney wants to return to an in-school environment next year and we are allowing her to do that. I see that she has really grown in her ability to view learning in a positive way and I feel so much more connected to how she learns and what she needs in order to be successful. We will take it one year at a time, but I am so thankful for the two years we have had to "right the ship" of learning in her life.

I'm giving myself a hard-earned B+ (I missed the A because of disrupting class sometimes with my poor attitude and lack of patience..:-)

Roots and Soil

  It's been strange for me to be away from cheval glass as much as I have been this past year. It's not that life has not been full of so many things I've learned and observed. I find myself microblogging now so much more through facebook and twitter...saying what I need to say in 140 characters and moving on.

Post-sabbatical, I find myself still refreshed from that time away last January. So much of what I learned about myself as well as my need for "spiritual loittering" still influence my decisions and my time.  This is the first "Pre-Christmas" season in a few years that I'm waking up NOW with excitement about our creative endeavors as a team and the musical offerings we will be sharing throughout the season. 

  I entered the world of homeschool this past August with my 4th grader. I did not expect to enjoy it as much as I am, truthfully.  I thought by now I would be thinking something very different! The time with Sydney has been magical.  The conversation, the learning experiences, the weekend "field trip" to Atlanta to visit the Fernbank Museum, etc... I have learned SO much about my daughter that I know I would never have learned without this experience. She told me her favorite part of homeschool is her piano and voice lessons we do together. The joy of sharing music with her is hard to put into words. There is just something as an artist about enjoying music with your kids.  Sean also is taking piano lessons and is growing up fast into a "little Cynthia" as Todd says. His passion for soccer has opened the door for him to become a part of STORM Soccer Academy this year. He is learning so much skill and is a great team player.  

I see this new season of life as one of watching our roots going into good soil.  I see it in my marriage, my kids, in our ministry at HHICC, and in our community as we get involved on a much more committed basis.  I realized the other day that we have lived in the house we live in now longer than any other home in our 18 years of marriage! This is different and new - not boring or predictable. It is rich with experiences that come from roots gaining nutrients and good soil.

When I think of this season, I'm drawn to Paul's words to the church at Ephesus...

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."  - Ephesians 3:14-19 (NLT)

40

  The number scares me a little. I knew today was coming but now that I have "officially" left my 30's... wow.  I spent sometime on my sabbatical in January wrapping my mind around this birthday. Honestly, I have seen too many friends and acquaintances not handle this one very well and I didn't want to presume I was immune to it.  

It's weird to think I have entered another decade...so much happened in my thirties.  I became a mom twice, our family moved to two different cities,  we helped plant two churches...I'm tired just thinking about it.  I look forward to enjoying the "fruits" of my 30's in my 40's.   Not that I expect life to slow down with a nine year old and a six year old, but there has been a lot of "planting" the last few years.   I look forward to the blossoms.

The one emotion that keeps coming to the surface today is gratefulness. Through all the highs and lows of my life, I am overwhelmed when I really think about all that God has done in my life and blessed me with through the years.  Two great parents, sisters, extended family...we actually enjoy spending time together still! My husband, my children, my ministry, my home and yes... I live at the beach.  The amazing friendships that I have through the years and the wonderful memories that I have.  God has provided for me every step of the way in so many ways...I'm spoiled and I know it.

I have a few things still on my "list."  Since Todd and I celebrated our 18th anniversary this week, we talked about our 20, 25 and 30th aniversary trips. That got me excited.  I have a passion to continue to create opportunities for artists to be "reconciled" back to the church and God.  I have some tangible ways I want to see that happen on the Island. My songwriting is something I want to look back at my 40's and say that I really went for it. I've written more this year than in the last 10 years and I just want to keep at it. I want to see my kids continue to pursue lives that make a difference. Make choices that count. I want to take them on their first mission trip outside of this country in the next few years. I want to live it more than I tell them "how" to live it.

I want my marriage to not be something I take for granted. I want Todd and I to fall more in love each and everyday and extend grace to each other more than we ever have in the last 20 years.

I want to play more and work less. Trust God more and stop trying to figure it out. Let circumstances unfold and see what God is teaching me that day. I really feel that I'm starting to find such beauty in the quiet, simple, marginal life that I have really tried to live since January.  The "not so fun" things I need to do... eat less sugar, walk three times a week without excuses, use my eye cream twice a day without fail...yeah.  That's enough.

So, I'm going eat cupcakes (thanks, Donna!) and enjoy my family today. Take a nice long walk with my huband.  Enjoy dinner tonight with the family at my favorite restaurant. And be grateful.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.  I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!  You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;  You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.  Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared  before I’d even lived one day." - Psalm 139:13-16 (MSG)

Reset

  Driftwood Beach - Jekyll Island, GA

If I had one word to describe what my 30-day sabbatical was for me, that's the word. In every area of my life, I feel that I have a "inner button" switched from where I was before my time away and where I am now.  I truly went into this time with no expectation. As a highly-driven person, I probably had more fear than anything heading into 30 days of no responsibilities.  Everything I did for that time was from my heart - a true desire to do it. Whether it was sitting in a lounge chair somewhere in the Carribean or sitting with my son after school to help him read...I did what I enjoyed doing. 

The interesting thing is that I wasn't sure what I enjoyed doing in ministry and in a lot of areas of my life before my sabbatical.  I couldn't separate what I was responsble for from what I really loved doing.  I found myself just bursting with new songs I wanted to share, some I had written, and others that I was worshipping with alone. I started to "feel" again. I think I had become numb to a lot of the day-to-day of my life.  I didn't realize how far I had gone down that road.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, the power of sleep can never be underestimated. For the most part, I've been consistently going to bed around the same time and waking up around the same time. My new mantra my first week back has been,"Cynthia, that's enough for today." I feel like I'm treating myself like my own kids sometimes, but I have alot of unhealthy margins to correct.

Spiritually, I'm so thankful for the large amounts of time that I had alone with God.  I filled the pages of my sabbatical journal and I practiced what Lance Witt refers to as "spiritual loitering." I spent alot of time wasting time with God and being quiet.  I know that is why my songwriting was so rich and plentiful during my sabbatical.

Before my sabbatical, I had become disconnected to some of my life-long friends. I made plans with almost everyone of them either in person or phone during my 30-days. I am so thankful for the love, grace, and prayers they poured over me and the encouragement they were to me during this time. You know who you are...thank you for being fresh water to my soul.

I wasn't sure if I would be coming back to ministry after this time way.  My exhaustion level was at my core.  I laid everything on the line with God and told Him that if I needed to be done, I was fine with that. Twenty years is a long time and if my season was done, I was willing to be done. I was pleasantly suprised.  Not only did God clearly reveal to me in my time with Him that I am NOT done, He renewed my heart and passion for His people in the local church.  He refined my calling as I begin this next season of ministry. For the first time in a LONG time, I have a more clear understanding of how my days should be spent as a pastor's wife and a Worship Arts Director.

  There were also some areas in my life that I realized were not as "jumbled" as I thought they were. Having a clear head helped me to see what was going well in my life and celebrate that!   Our family vacation on a Disney Cruise just put a BIG exclamation point on my time away. Since we were not able to have a fmaily vacation in 2012 (it was scheduled for the week we moved into our new facility!), it was a wonderful treat to spend that time with them. Todd and I had great conversations during my sabbatical and we sense a true refreshment in our marriage and in our family.

I sensed anxiety and worry trying to creep in this week as I returned to normal life and then it as if the Holy Spirit just speaks to me and says, "No, we aren't going there." and it passes before it has a hold on me.  I know there will be days when it wins. I'm celebrating it didn't this week!

I couldn't get this song out of my head during my time away. I think it became my heart's cry and how I want to move forward in my life...

"I need you more...more than yesterday / I need you more...more than words can say / I need you more...than ever before/ I need you more...I need you, Lord/ More than the air I breathe/ More than the song I sing/ More than the next heartbeat/ More than anything/ And Lord, as time goes by/I will be by Your side/ 'Cause I never want to go back to my old life." Written by Bruce Haynes and Lindell Cooley ©1996 CCLI #2061678

It's the last line of that song that I think has just stuck with me. That's what reset means. And that's what I'm leaning into each day. 

My Favorite Christmas Moments of 2012

As I had some time this week to reflect on our Christmas Season, I wanted to share with you all and to have as a part of my blog a "Top Ten" of my favorite Christmas moments from this year. As a Christmas card that Sydney made for me says, "Christmas is music," There are definitely musical undertones here, but also personal moments from our family. These are in no particular order:

 1. Christmas morning with the kids...
this year, we didn't have a whole lot to "put together" the night before which marks a new chapter with our kids. They were genuinely suprised this year and so thankful for each gift. I was really blow away by that. From Taylor Swift perfume and concert tickets for Sydney to a Matchbox Car Parking Garage and an Alanta Falcons uniform for Sean. Every year is great with the kids, but I will always remember this year for the sweet spirit of my kids toward Todd and I and the gifts they received.

2. Sean riding on the back of his friend during my entire song at "An Evening in December"...yes we wanted our Christmas Concert and Dessert to be family friendly, so as Todd was filming a song I sang in the show, there is my 5 year old riding "horsey back" all through the Worship Center saying "Yeehah!" It felt just like practicing at home!

3. The debut of "Love Came Down" by John Redgrave...I was so thrilled to be able to introduce this brand new song by my friend John who is the Worship Leader at Motion Church in Tampa, FL. Such a beautiful song for Advent. Thanks, John for the great loop to use with our band. It made the song!

4. No one was sick...This is THE FIRST time I can remember since having children that no one (parents included) did not spend some part of the holiday in bed! Praise the Lord!

 5.  "Silent Night" during our 6pm Christmas Eve Service...I have no words to express what this felt like and looked like from the stage to see our Worship Center filled to the top with people and candles singing this song in worship to Christ our Savior...probably will be up there in all -time favorite moments.

 6. Syd's Christmas gift to me...an electric-guitar playing reindeer named "Clarice"...Enough said...

     7. Down time during the holidays... we started the kids Christmas break with a trip to a cabin in Asheville for three days and we spent the week AFTER Christmas at home just sleeping, laughing, eating, and playing altogether. It was SUCH a blessing to have this time with the kids to talk about what Christmas means and just learn more about each other. I feel so connected to my kids right now and where they are. It was nice for Todd and I to have time to not work and just be together with our family. AND the food! Todd cooked an amazing Christmas lunch!

8. Girl time with Sydney...We took some time as girls to do some shopping as Sydney hads grown out of everything. This is something that Sydney and I are actually JUST like when it comes to shopping. We had a nice lunch at Panera together and then we went to the one store we love, Children's Place.  We spent an hour and half... tried on a ton of clothes, chose what we thought was best , and left. It was awesome! When we got home, we cleaned out her drawers, bagged up the outgrown stuff for GoodWill, and put all her new stuff neatly in its place. As we finished, Sydney came over to me with a gift card she had been given for Christmas and said, "Hey mom, you take this.  You bought me a lot of clothes today." It was so precious. I told her it was my privilege to take care of her and that I was so thankful for her grateful heart...no, I didn't take the gift card for those of you who were wondering!

9. Our Christmas Event Team...it was the first year since we started the church that I had NOTHING to do with Christmas decorating details. Our amazing team of ladies (you know who you are!) did a fabulous job of creating such a beautiful Worship Center for the Season. Thank you!

10. Suprise moments with Todd...in the busyness of this season, there were several of those rare moments where Todd and I would find a moment just the two of us to sit and talk and enjoy our patio or the fire. It wasn't a planned thing - just would happen. Our converstations were short and simple and were primarily focused on talking about how blessed we felt this year and how thankful we were for God's provsion in our lives, our kid's lives, and our church. We had several this season and I'm so thankful for those moments.

My prayer for my family is as we enter 2013, that we will continue in our faith and steadfast hearts to pursue Jesus...sharing His love with everyone we meet in the way we live our lives and spend our days...

"Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father."  - Colossians 3:16-17