Will it fit in my bag?
December 31, 2019
It’s been awhile since I’ve been here, but with some nice time to reflect this week, I came back for a visit.
In my college years, I spent a lot of time in the health clinic with doctors trying to figure out why I couldn’t sleep and why I had internal bleeding for no reason. In fact, it was in the hospital getting x-rays that I truly saw Todd’s tender heart and care for me as we were dating. (Side note... we celebrate 25 years married in 2020!) Later in my late 20s, I was diagnosed with panic anxiety disorder and with a condition known as overstimulated adrenaline. Basically. my body makes so much adrenaline that if I don’t get rid of it daily, yeah...I’m kinda tough to be around & my body doesn’t know what to do with it.
Through the years, the doctors have told me this is a wonderful thing as I get older and I’ll be thankful for it. Yippee! 🤔 So as I faced being a victim of a car accident this year, part of my recovery was “Cynthia you just need to lie down a lot & you can’t do as much as you think.” As I share this with you today, I am happy to report that my weekly treatment has wrapped up and I’m returning back to life ”in moderation” as Dr. Ken says.
One of my favorite phrases from my dad was “Cynthia, don’t put a 10 pound turkey in a 5 pound bag.” Gotta love the south. I’m not gonna blame it completely on my condition —(although it is confusing to me at times what my mind tells me I can do versus what I can actually do) but that’s what I do. The creative mind is a beautiful thing but the combination of that and too much adrenaline is why so many times I live a life of desperation trying to get out all the things in my mind I want to accomplish. This is not a pity party for me, but if you know creative people around you who are artists, give them a break. They probably have a lot they’re dealing with inside.
As the dawn of a new decade is here and 2020 begins, I’m starting it with a real picture of the size of MY bag. It’s been that size all along but I want to embrace it. Everybody has a different size bag because God made us all unique. (Psalm 139:14) But in 2020, if you see less output from me, I’m fine & I’m sorry if you are disappointed. If you think I’m not as involved as I used to be, that’s probably true. If you don’t see me as much, it’s all good. I’m here and I’m ok.
”My strength is made perfect in your weakness, Cynthia.” These are the words I have clearly heard in my time with God this year. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I’m not weak because I have a smaller bag than I think. In identifying truly how God has uniquely made me and recognizing my own limitations within that, my “weakness” is how I am strong.
At the core of our Christian faith is living like Jesus & modeling his life and the way He lived. Jesus fully gave of himself to others but He also knew when he needed to pull away. He regularly got away from the crowds & even those closest to Him to be with His Father. This is why we model a Sabbath lifestyle at our church with taking Fridays off as ministry staff. This has been vital in my life & I’m so thankful for it. But for me, it’s more than that.
I truly desire to serve & love people and be available. I love being a part of community with others and working hard to see amazing things happen! I love the local church and our HHI Community & being fully involved! However, this year I’m gonna ask a new question in 2020..”Will it fit in my bag, God?”
“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!” - Ephesians 3:20-21 (The Message)
Bring it on 2020...my bag can take it. 👍