Cynthia Cullen's weblog...a full length reflection of my animated journey.
About me
I am a wife & a mother of two, living on Hilton Head Island, SC, USA. I am a pastor's wife, worship leader, songwriter, church planter, a wanna-be water colorist and a "I-wish-I-had-the-time" movie score composer. I oversee Environments at Hilton Head Island Community Church and serve as the Worship Leader. I enjoy anything that is beautiful.
I love a new year. We always do a "Christmas Clean" every year around New Year's Day. We take down all our Christmas stuff, clean out our closets, get rid of stuff and clean like crazy!
I was thinking about these verses as I was cleaning out my laundry room (and yes, it really needed it!) Lamentations 3:22-24..."Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion."I'm so thankful for fresh grace everyday. I don't have to wait for a new calendar year to get a fresh start. God's mercy and compassion are new 365 days a year!
If you can, take the time to reach this message (http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols19-21/chs1122.pdf) from C.H. Spurgeon. This is an excerpt of one of my favorite parts...
"What a poor thing I am. How little Grace I have. How weak in prayer. How slow in service. How frequently depressed. How easily tossed to and fro. How shall I hope to hold on to the end? Where is the answer to it—“I shall be anointed with fresh oil.” I am poor, but I shall receive my daily pension. I am weak and I have no strength in reserve, but my strength is laid up in God!" - C.H. Spurgeon, FRESH GRACE CONFIDENTLY EXPECTED NO. 1122
That's the number today, friends. I'm celebrating today surrounded by my family including my parents, sisters and their families.
I've said it before - my 30's have been the best. I spent my twenties working my tail off, learning life and discovering who I really am. My thirties have been settling into that and making choices from that knowledge. I know what makes me tick and I know how I want to spend my life. When I see that sense of who I am starting to fade, I have to make changes. I want to savor every moment. I don't want to spend it trying to be something I'm not or being afraid to do something different.
I know that the fourties are knocking, but I'm ready. I've have the privilege to be a part of SO many amazing things so far. I can't imagine was God has in store for my days ahead.
My birthday prayer...I thank you, Heavenly Father, for parents who brought me into this world and introduced me to You. Thank you for the family you have given me to do life with each day. I dedicate the year ahead to making choices that honor You, spending my time wisely on things that truly matter, and not waisting a moment being someone that I am not. Thank you for trusting me with the years you have given me. I pray my days ahead bring honor to You, My Creator and My God...
Watch this clip from one of our favorite family movies, The Incredibles.
There is something inside of that desires to break out of the predictable, mundane, and planned part of our existence. We long for an unexpected windfall, a suprise, even a miracle. Francis Chan, in his book Forgotten God, says this about miracles...
"Miracles are never an end in themselves;they are always a means to point to and accomplish something greater."
That is what we want...to be a part of something amazing...to say we were there when"it" happened...to play a part in something greater than ourselves and our time...to leave a legacy.
Church planting is miracle territory. As think back over the last four years that Todd and I have been on Hilton Head Island, there have been a lot of miracles...experiences and situations that fit all of those things I mentioned. However, this Sunday at the Island Campus, we are stepping into some major miracle territory. I do not want to diminish any of the amazing things that God has done over the last four years - they are all miracles! From locating our first temporary facility to finding our first permanent facility to where we are today...embarking on purchasing our first permanent facility. These are just examples in one category!
There are the people miracles...changed lives...people who were far from God who are now in a daily relationship with Him...these are miracles.
There are personal miracles in the life of my family... a brother-in-law who is cancer free, the ability to purchase a home for our family on the Island, and financial recovery from some tough days in our past.
I long for the miraculous. I desire to see the unpredictable and the unplanned happen. I am an organized person in my job and with my family life because it is out of necessity (trust me!). However, I feel the most alive when the unexplained becomes reality -when common sense says, "That's impossible."
Mothers are required to be realists (I think it's in a handbook somewhere.) It's my job in our home to be "the dose of reality" when it comes to our family schedule, chores, budget...you get the picture. I think it is because of that role that I play in our family, that I long for any opportunity to dream and say "Wouldn't it be great if..." That is what I love about church planting. Yes, you have to have a dose of reality in the mix, but for the most part, this is ALL unchartered territory! You can't put a formula to every part and in fact, I think God probably gets a chuckle at all our stats, strategies, and formulas for church planting!
Maybe this whole idea of wanting something amazing paralyzes you as a person. You are ok without being a part of miracles. Maybe you have never seen one and so you don't understand what all the buzz is all about. Maybe you have seen a miracle, but you have forgotten what it felt like to experience it. Are you afraid to dream because "God might not come through?" Read this quote from Forgotten God...
"I think the fear of God failing us leads us to "cover for God." This means we ask for less, expect less, and are satisfied with less because we are afraid to ask for or expect more. We even convince ourselves that we don't want more - that we have all the "God" we need or could want." - Francis Chan, Forgotten God, pg. 47
I want to see more, be a part of more, experience more, and be blown away by the Creator God who by very definition is creative...unpredictable, original...and wants to do something amazing in me and through me.
"I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree."For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think . Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don't go back until they've watered the earth, doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry, So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed.They'll do the work I sent them to do, they'll complete the assignment I gave them. "So you'll go out in joy, you'll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause. No more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines—Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God." - Isaiah 55:8-13 (MSG)
We completed 40 days of prayer and fasting as a church on Easter Sunday. Todd and I decided to do the Daniel Fast for 21 days of that time. I had never done a structured fast like this before. I knew doing it together with Todd would help me with accountability, but I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to stick with it. Here's what I learned:
I never thought I had a food issue till I started fasting. I was shocked at how much I would think of eating or drinking something in response to a circumstance or as a diversion.
I've learned to view food as something I need and not as a hobby. I grew up in the Deep South. Food is a way of life. When you are eating lunch, you are talking about what you are having for dinner. It's just the way it is.
Our family ate more meals together and enjoyed grocery shopping like never before. Todd is an amazing cook. He loves to cook and experiment with recipes. I can cook, but it is not something that I enjoy like Todd does. It was fun to plan meals together and shop and really talk about what we were going to eat each week. My favorite thing was his sweet potato fries. The book has amazing recipes and Todd did some "tweaking" on his own!
I learned to replace my thoughts for food with prayer. When I would had those moments of really "wanting" something in the first week, I would turn my thoughts to God. After a week on the fast, my cravings for things not on the fast went away almost 90 percent. I began to not think about food in relation to my day and I had so much more "thought energy" to focus on God and my priorities.
It brought Todd and I closer to each other. We spent more time together and encouraged each other throughout the day. Doing this together gave us the opportunity to share what we were learning through it and prompted great converstation that I don't think would have happened without the fast.
We were able to teach our kids about fasting. We had the kids do the fast with us without some of the rigidness of no dairy. However, we did eliminate sweets and we cooked the same meal at night for them that we ate. It was a great learning experience for our family.
I'm going to make parts of it a lifestyle now. I made choices as best as I could on the fast in every environment. Not everything I had was "perfectly" in line with the fast, but I did the best I could. The Daniel Fast is not about legalism and following rules. It's about learning how to eat, making good choices, and focusing on God. I saw how I could live my life better, feel better, and have so much more of a focused lifestyle. I don't want to go back to my old way of eating and thinking about food. It changed my life and the way I think about food forever.
That's not to say I'm never going to have a cookie, candy, or dessert ever again. I just want to have the right perspective moving forward that I learned from this period of fasting.
This was a life-changing experience for me. I naturally lost some weight which was a nice bi-product, but it was never about weight loss for me. It was about surrender. It was about being willing to do something totally different in response to my desire to seek God. If you have never tried a fast, I would encourage you to do this one. Do it with a friend or a spouse. Be ready for your eyes to be opened to new things about yourself and new truths that God will be able to speak into your life. Spiritually, it was the best thing I have done to deepen my walk with God.
Sydney and I have been playing monopoly for about the last year. Just recently, she has really started to understand it and it has been a lot of fun. I was thinking as we were playing this weekend how she buys property every time she lands on it until I have to tell her, she doesn't have enough money. She doesn't care about holding on to her money or if she runs out, she just loves the game. I, on the other hand, am very careful with my purchases and pretty much worry through the whole game if I am going to go bankrupt.
Now I know the point of monopoly is to OWN everything and take everything from the other players. However, watching her play and just enjoy the game, regardless if she won or lost was so refreshing. Just pure enjoyment. I was thinking about how much as I get older, I forget to just enjoy and not worry. I know that with age comes responsibility, but as I watch my children, I see so much more of how Christ wants me to respond to Him as His child. I thought about this passage in Matthew 6...
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." 9 (MSG)
Our kids teach us truths just by being kids. I'm so thankful for the monopoly lesson. So who was teaching who to play?
Every year, attending Recreate is like drinking from a fire hydrant. I feel so immersed in fresh water that I cannot drink it all at one time. I wanted to do a daily recap like I have done in years past, but I was so enjoying the time with fellow attendees after and between sessions, I was not able to get my thoughts together during the week to even write about it! Here were the highlights for me:
1. Participating in Worship with 1211 from Gateway Church in Austin ,TX. I look forward to re-creating this worship experience set-up at LCC very soon. It was wonderful to meet all of them and get to hear their stories of life-change. Their leader, Ramy Antoun, is an amazing musician (drummer) and an Arts Pastor at Gateway. See a little bit of it here...
2. A live performance from Ed Kowalczyk (formerly with LIVE) and his new band. Ed shared a little about his new faith and then went into more detail in an interview with Randy on Wednesday morning. God is doing a redemptive work in his life and it was such a privilege to be a part of the concert and interact with him at the conference. CLICK HERE to read his interview with Randy Elrod. Watch some of the concert here...
3. Randy's talk on empathy, intuition, and charisma was my favorite session. I was challenged, inspired, encouraged, and comforted all at the same time! I will be dissecting a lot of his talk and writing about it here at cheval glass in the coming days, but my favorite sentence was this..." People have their best days and do their best work when they are allowed to make progress."
4. I was overwhelmed by Andrew Peterson and friends songwriting in the round and "Behold the Lamb of God." There are not really words to describe this two-hour experience on Thursday afternoon. The one word I came away with was BEAUTY. I just listened and drank in the beauty of the entire presentation as it was expressed through music, lyrics , lighting, sound, and most of all- skilled musicians.
5. I was immersed in community. This was the single word that was resonating all week through sessions and discussions (I agree 100 percent, Mark!) I spent more time talking with old friends and new friends over the five days than any other year at Recreate. There was such a sense of people truly desiring to connect with one another. I experienced so many meaningful conversations and life-changing discussion. I'm still processing all of it.
Charles Jones said “You are the same today that you are going to be in five years from now except for two things: the people with whom you associate and the books you read." These wonderful creatives that I have the privilege of knowing and learning from throughout year have changed my life. They continuously offer encouragement, wisdom, and accountability that I desperately need as a creative. They are my lifeline and I am more grateful for them now than I have ever been at any other point in my life.
Recreaters - you know who you are. Thank you for the listening ears, the nuggests of wisdom, the laughter, and the moments of authenticity. It is a privilege to be among you and to create with you. Thank you Randy and Chris, for your vision and your leadership. There are not words to describe my gratitude for your sacrifice to bring us altogether.
She talks in the first couple of chapters about how the post modern world is "indoctrinating our children into believing everything is about them." As a parent, I confess that there are times that I contribute to this problem. In my attempt as a parent to "connect" to my children with their unique personalities and passions, I go overboard at times. It's very important to be in tune with our kids, but at the same time, we have to help them understand that the entire world does not revolve around their happiness, life being fair, or getting everything they desire.
In context to worship, we have to teach our kids that worship is about God and not about them. "Worship is one-directional. Worship is focusing on God and giving all glory to Him only, alone, singulary, totally - just Him," she writes. Even as an adult, there are time that I forget that when I worship, I am focusing my heart and mind on God and Him alone...not what I need or want...just Him. To really teach our kids to worship God, it has to start with them understanding it is not about them.
Kathleen quotes Ken Hughes, Senior Pastor at College Church in Wheaton, Illinois saying...
"The unspoken but increasingly common assumption of today's Christendom is that worship is primarily for us - to meet our needs. Such worship services are entertainment-focused, and the worshipers are uncommitted spectators who silently grade the performance...Taken to the nth degree,this instills a tragic self-centerdness."
Wow. That hit me. How many times do we do this? We rate our corporate worship experience on how much WE liked the worship leader, the song choices, the message...the stuff. Our kids are listening and learning what worship is by the way we talk about it. Are we teaching them that we worship because worship is really about them? or about God?
We don't have pews at either campus of LCC, but it was a catchy title...
I had the opportunity to attend worship services at both campuses of LCC this past Sunday. I sat in the service "like a normal person!" I was so encouraged by our Worship Leaders at both campuses. They brought such an authenticity to the worship experience. I'm one of those (like most of you Worship Leaders) that struggle with not hearing or seeing things that need to be "tweaked" while you are sitting. I was so grateful for their preparation and execution of the musical elements of the worship experience. The way they led us drew me right in so I was not distracted. Thank you, Johnny, Debbie, Brandon, and Kim for allowing me to worship so freely in corporate worship! Band guys - you brought such a musical tapestry to the worship experience. Thank you for sharing your amazing giftedness through worship.
This also means I heard two messages yesterday. My hubby Todd did a fabulous job of kicking off the New Year with a personal message for Islanders as we embark on a New Year as a campus. CLICK HERE to listen. I'm so excited about what God has laid on his heart for the future of the Island Campus. It' s a tall order, but as Nehemiah learned - God is faithful! It was also a privilege to receive commuion and pray with him during the Time of Response at the end of the service.
Pastor Jeff shared with us the importance of the time we have been given on earth and not waisting it. I was so convicted about the things I waste my time doing that have no eternal value. I want to do a better job making the most of my time in 2011 and making better choices every day.
I'm so thankful for my church. As I headed to lunch, my heart was so full with overwhelming gratitude that I have the privilege to lead musically, create artistically, and participate corporately at LCC. I encourage ALL worship leaders out there to spend the money and give yourself the opportunity to partcipate in corporate worship at the churches you are serving as worship leader. It is an experience that I need more often, but was definitely a spiritual highlight of my Christmas season.
As I reflect on this New Year's Eve on the past year, I have several things that I learned that I think are worth sharing here at cheval glass. I know that we all look at the beginning of a new year as the opportunity for a fresh start and new challenges. But I think there is a lot to be learned by reflecting on the past - good and bad - and taking those lessons into your future. As Socrates said, " The unexamined life is not worth living." So with that, here we go..
1. Time is the greatest healer...the more time that passes from hurtful circumstances and situations that have occured in my life, I truly feel healing and restoration growing in my heart and mind. The memory is there, the scar may always be visible, the wound closes as time passes. I am thankful for what I am forgetting now more than ever!
2. I control my time and priorities...I allow things to "take over" and consume me - no one else does this to me - it is my decision what I allow to be the priorities in my life everyday. It's my choice.
3. Who I am in Christ will always be the measurement of my worth. The longer I am in full-time ministry (16 years so far!), the more I find peace and affirmation in my heart from this and this alone. As a worship leader, people like the songs I choose or people don't like the songs I choose. They have strong feelings about which campus I lead worship each week ( it's very sweet when I am missed...thank you!) I change my hair and people like or don't like that I changed my hair. I gain weight, I lose weight...all of this is SO unpredictable - it never lands anywhere. I am SO thankful that my God never changes and my worth to Him is not wrapped up in song selections, hair color, weight gain or loss, or meeting expectations. I am HIS child and that's where I am safe and secure.
4. There is nothing better than a good night's sleep. I have struggled with panic anxiety disorder for years and sleeping through the night is a luxury in different seasons of my life. I have had four or five great nights of sleep this past week on vacation and I feel like a new person! I need to do less in the evenings so that I can wind down sooner...that definitely made a difference this week!
5. Treasure every moment with those that mean the most to you. I have watched my sister and her family battle cancer with my brother-in-law and she has done this to the best of her ability. I have watched her make the most of moments at cancer treatments in NYC with her children and with her husband. It has made me more grateful and appreciative of those I love.
6. Have fun even if you don't have time. I took a few trips with my sister, family and friends at different times this year and I am so glad that I did. It was difficult with my job and the responsibilities I have, but I am glad I didn't allow that to keep me from being with them and making some great memories.
7. I love to blog and I'm ready to jump back in this year. I started blogging in 2006 and I have had good years and not so good years. This was one of those years that I let it sit on the back burner for a number of reasons, but the bottom line is that I love doing it. I have truly missed sharing moments of my life here. Honestly, some of it was intentional because I truly needed a year to be unplugged. Some of it was just not making it a priority. However, I know that this is vital part of my journey and a discipline that I need to embrace again in 2011.
8. Watching my children grow up is the greatest gift to me as a mother. Sean was riding his brand new bike this afternoon and I can't believe he will be four in a few weeks. I am so thankful that I have the privilege to remember giving birth to him and now watch him ride a bike. Sydney has been journaling so much the past couple of months. I am so thankful I have the privilege of remembering when she couldn't write her name and now she is writing pages and pages of her thoughts. Some moms and dads do not have the privilege to see it happen. I am so thankful that I can.
9. It takes two, baby. Marvin Gaye was right. My life does not work without Todd. We are a team in every aspect of the word. For those of us parents that both work outside the home, it's the only way to survive. We each have our strengths and weaknesses that we bring to our relationship, but we are truly confident in what we bring to our marriage and to our family. It works for us and I am so thankful for the partner that God sent me 15 years ago. We are not the typical family with typical roles. We are different and I am so thankful that God chose the perfect man to live with me! One of my favorite memories this year is when I picked Sydney up from school on a Monday (as that is one of my days to pick up) and three cars behind me was Todd...to pick up Sydney...yeah, he thought he told me he was getting her that day "to help me out." But it all works out...I'm sure there will be a day that neither of us picks her up...thank goodnes for Amy Cunningham who helps us out!
Well that's about it. I don't want to ramble. I hope your 2010 has taught you some things that you can take with you into 2011. I leave with you a quote from one of my favorite authors as you leave this year behind and embrace the future.
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”
My absence over the last few months from cheval glass is not a reflection that there is nothing to share with you. My days have been busy and filled with family and ministry that have required me to be less engaged in the contemplative life. I've missed being here. So tonight, while my son is playing chicken shoot with my Dad, my daughter is playing dress up in the "rainbow room", and Todd is...well, I don't know what Todd is doing. I thought I would take a few minutes and share why I am so thankful.
I have a loving husband who has been a part of my life for 18 years...15 of that as my soul mate. I am so thankful for his friendship, loyalty, kindness, and patient love for me. I understand more every day how "two become one."
I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter who made it through tonsil and adenoid surgery last week like a champ! She accepted Jesus as her Savior over this past year, loves to dance, writes stories, read books, and create beauty wherever she is.
I have a tenacious 3 year old son who loves life, loves people, and has the early signs of being a very talented drummer. He is confident and strong, but loving and sensitive. I'm enjoying every moment as I watch him grow.
I am blessed with a wonderful mother and father who love me and my family with not just words, but deeds. I have two crazy sisters who I love with all my heart. I can't imagine how boring my life would be without their frienship and drama ( you heard me :)...I love you guys!)
I have an amazing church that I have the privilege to serve as a staff member. I am overwhelmed at their generosity, their love for each other, and their servant hearts toward those who are in need and who do not yet know Jesus.
I serve everyday with an amazing group of artists - musicians, tech stewards, singers, graphic artists, producers - that inspire me to find the most creative expression that celebrates who God is and what He has done for us.
I am so thankful for a God who loves me enough to send His Only Son to die for me - to reconcile the debt of my sin - so that I could be restored to Him in this life and in the life to come. I want my life to be a testimony of the thankful heart that I have for what He has given me. His unconditional love and mercy continues to overwhelm me. I love what Paul the Apostle told the Colossians...
"My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving." - Colossians 2:6-7 (THE MESSAGE)
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